czuję się źle we własnej skórze
i brutalnie powiedziane "nikt cię nie chce"
nikt mnie nie chce
grzecznie czekam, aż wszystko się skończy
na razie nie mogę oddychać.

i'm so fucking weird. i just can't understand what's wrong with me.
THEY. DON'T. EXIST. GET. THE FUCK. OVER. IT.
i'm over it. and i'm not. how it could be possible? why do i think this way? why does it keep bothering me?
i hope it'll be through in a couple of days. i wish. IT'S JUST NEED TO BE THROUGH.
even breathing is hard. i can't take it. that's too much.
why does the book bother me? why do they bother me? why does he keep bothering me?
he's not real.
stop pretending he's real.

please God please please can you not
i'm as scared as fuck. she is hated, she is bullied, she really has nobody in the class who could stand at her side.
and i'm scared as fuck the same could happen to me.
i'm just so terribly concentrated on going out of this place. i can't wait forward the day i'll be able to say goodbye to all of them.
can i already say goodbye to all the pain i've received?
please. i don't deserve this. i try to be cool. i try to be funny. i try to be easy-going.
i'm just not really sure they get me that way.
whats wrong with me? mum? did we make a mistake? is anything wrong you've done with me with my upbringing?
won't stop till the day i'll known i am the write one.

is it going to be wrong again
is it going to kill me again
is it going to grow and grow in the every single minute inside me again
is it going to make me falling down apart is it going to feed a little tiny monster inside of me? is this monster going to eat me in the end?
i'm feeling sad, i'm feeling alone, i'm feeling hopeless
nobodys really here for me ready to hug me
why is that
why are you all pretending im cool pretending you like me pretending im someone worth breathin
why cant you just show me facts in the real way they goes
why cant i just have all that i want
why cant something just go back to the track

im already thinking
why did she find me why did she stop me why didnt she let me take it to the end
why did they decided to rescue me why did they forgot im nobody
are that pills still in that house?

okay. hello blogger, i missed you! it's really great to see you again in this fucked up mood, oh, how could i be less sarcastic. it's bad. it's even more than bad. it's absolutely disgusting and it hurts me inside i can't even change it.
yes. i know i used to write in polish, but sometimes it's just a better way for me to express myself like that. i can't stand it. i really really really can't stand it. i don't want things to happen exactly how it was before, so i'm kinda... i kinda start to panic? it's freakin hard for me to say that... but i still love you. like a friend, of course. i even don't want to think how bad would it be, if someone from my real close environment found it. it would be exactly like the end of mine. i can't even understand, how i can be such a stupid person. i should have learnt: once a bitch, always a bitch. but why? why don't you just start to treat me right? i have always been here for you, listening to all your tears, smiling, laughing, chilling out... i thought you're my friend. it's hard to hear that directly from me. i used to tell everyone that i don't believe in true friendship as my mum told me. maybe i don't, i can't think right now, my brains is full of depressional thoughts. but i just want to have someone who'll be here for me. treating me right. wanting me to support. is that too much?
propably i read too much. too much crazy, weird and too romantic stuff that's kinda unreal for that speeding world where we live in. are all those people who seemed to think logical with some feelings inside all dead? do i really expect too much for just one single girl? CAN'T YOU JUST BE MY FRIEND? i don't want you to be here where you want. i want you to be here always. not when it's easy and comfortable for you. no. do you think it's easy for me to hear? if you're a friend, you'd give the second person all the best you have. i received nothing. i gave you a place to sleep like thousands of times. i gave you a place to sit, when you forgot your keys. a place to eat, drink. i gave you my arm when your real and true friend dissapointed you. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING THAT I SIMPLY COULD. and what? and now you really didn't think i am good enough to talk with you. you have better friends. better girls, who you really used to talk about behind their backs. who you used to hate. who we used to hate together, who we used to stand opposite to. and what now? i stand alone. i really wouldn't like to say this: i hate i still treat you like someone who's close. i hate i still want evertything to come back, and i still think it's possible. because who will you talk to, when the summer will really came? to them? they'll be away. i'll be near. it seems like i am the fucking toy for you. only cool and expensive when you can't get the better now. IT REALLY GETS ON MY NERVES and i can't stand it. can't stand it all my world is running round you. and you're nobody. it seems like your ideal. pretty, smart, slim, much money in the pocket. AND YOU'RE NOBODY. i can call you bitch, slut, anybody. you deserve it for this what you did with me. you're not everything that you still want to be. you're slutty one.
YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE COOL. you starting to call everyone names and bully with your new best friend, cause you think it's allright. it's not. it hurts. you think it's cool to go and jump in the circle of death the concert, cause you're not a true music fan without it. so many decisions you made were so selfish and so stupid. and what hurts the most? you think people will be happy about it, and they are. WHY THEY ARE SO STUPID?
one day i'm gonna leave this town. i swear. i swear i'd find people, who will start to treat me right.
and now? tommorow, i'll go to school be the another noob. cause i'm nobody without you. without your school contacts. without your shine. cause you're a star and i'm your maid. it really seems like since you wanted to feel cool.
and why's all that crazy stuff wrote in the language what i think God wanted me talk in? that's because you posted pics. two pics with your new bestfriend, and your second new best friend posted the crazy pic with you the night before and you reblogged it. you're so happy now, aren't you? so sad that you always wanted me to stay quiet about what we did together. oh my. it seems like i finelly now that talking with me isn't cool enough, so you don't want to show it in public. even nicer.
endo? the worst thing is: i'm gonna wait. i'm gonna wait whose arms will hold you when your new bff breakup will be knockin on your doors.
and now i can cry. my hand looks like it doesn't want its blood. why don't we take it away?

TAK, I REALLY HOLY WANT TO DIE.
ciekawe, jakby to było. najbardziej to chyba szkoda mi mamy, taty, kuby... musiałabym napisać do nich długie listy. i ci wszyscy ludzie, którzy przewinęli się przez moje życie... też ciekawa sprawa. ciekawe, czy ktoś by po mnie płakał. trzeba kiedyś sprawdzić. ciekawe, jak już to zrobię, co będzie z moim facebookiem, blogiem, photoblogiem, twitterem... szczerze ciekawe. czy będę miała mentions pełne zniczów, których nikt już nie zretweetuje? tablicę pełną zniczów, te upragnione komentarze, które zawsze chciałam mieć? będę sławna po śmierci? a moja szkoła, miejscowość? nieładnie tak przecież obgadywać zmarłą. co by to było? zobaczymy już niedługo, w sumie, haha. śmieszne. za dużo tego wszystkiego.
a co jeśli robię to tylko po to, żeby mnie ktoś zauważył? żeby mną potrząsnął i powiedział 'przestań, dziewczyno, jesteś cudowna, co ty z sobą robisz?'. nie wiem, mam ciężki charakter, ALE JAK JUŻ TO ZROBIĘ, TO WAM WSZYSTKIM POKAŻĘ.
już się nie boję załatwić tabletek. as soon as possible.
mam tylko nadzieję, że nie będę musiała oglądać tej garstki ludzi na pogrzebie, bo będzie mi zbyt szkoda, że jest ich tak mało.
egoistyczna zawsze. czy normalnie, czy w depresji.

chce sie zabiććććććććććććććććć